


Druggie Medic

by PoffinPuff



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Crack, Drugs, Gen, Humor, M/M, This Is STUPID, by that i mean cursing, no porn but might get steamy later on??, some uhhh sparkly language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-09-21 06:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9536069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoffinPuff/pseuds/PoffinPuff
Summary: The tales of druggie Medic and his concerned  Heavy boyfriend and Scout the loser.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer! The following work is meant for comedic purposes only.  
> Regardless of the real/fictional drugs used by the characters, I do not condone nor advise the actual use of narcotics.  
> 

You are a young, badass Scout. Due to your brimming youthfullness, you feel like you're on top of the mountains of complete greatness. A single flex could cause a woman's kokoro to burst open like a shaken can of Bonk! Your grin could reflect a lightning bolt that was casted by Zeus himself. Your incredible agility would cause that one guy you ran past to start screaming, due to your afterimage triggering a seizure, and the strong wind giving a severe whiplash that made his head twist back. 

The bottom line is, yes, you are simply awesome. You can tackle anything you set your awesome mind to. Your teammates will weep tears of joy at the sight of your God-like awesomeness. And one day, you know that your bottled up potential of maximum awesome-tude will be so epic that your shirt will be ripped up from the sudden burst of a sweet six-pack and you'll finally get an extra 6-inches of... _height!_

So being the Scout is great and all, but holy hell are you in a pickle. You gotta get ready to capture BLU's intel, but you're having a killer headache. You binged watched TV and drank like a shameless alchoholic last night. Why? Cause when you're bored and your Demolition's Guy said he just got some foreign liquor sent to him and asked if you wanted to some...well, you say sure. 

So you barge into the Medic's lab (you're clutching your noggin as if your brain is gonna grow wings and fly outta your skull- so the obvious solution to opening door's is kicking it), hoping the German Doctor could supply you with something to relieve the pain. 

Scout: MEDIC! 

Medic: _Fotze!_ Vhy did you kick ze door!? 

Scout: Man Doc, I got the worst fucking hangover; help a brotha' out! 

Medic: If you vere my brother I would have slit your throat and burned your body. 

Scout: *Taken back by the comment* Jeez Doc, why you so pissy? 

Medic: Because Heavy took mein drugz last night. He says it iz unhealthy und vants me to cut back. 

Scout: What. 

Medic: Yes Scout, I am in a vonderful, und loving homosexual relationship vith Heavy- vhat do you have? Oh zat's right, you have no fufillment other then your own self-image und imbecilic, low self-esteem. 

Scout: *Kinda hurt by that comment cause you secretly desire a pure, stable, and romantically satisfying relationship, but you brush it off cause you don't wanna cry in front of Medic.* Da fuck? No, not that; everyone fuckin' knows that bro. What do you mean drugs; like dope? 

Medic: *scoffs* Vhat, zat veak shit? Ha! Nein, I take much more...'effective' intakes. 

Scout: *Also scoffs* Doc, you're an old fuckin' man- pretty sure you're not the 'hardcore' type. If anything, you probably just waft some nail polish remover and then go to sleep cryin'. 

Medic: *Scoffs with dominance- and accidentally chokes on saliva (but he recovers)* Ohohoho, feisty little fisch, are you? 

Scout: *Was concerned about Medic choking on his saliva, but he got better, so Scout resumed to being a lil' shit* Okay, first off, I know you called me freakin' fish, and I don't even get the insult. Second, I don't believe you. 

Mecic: *Lifts up the Kritzkrieg* Well, I vas going to satisfy myself vit zis; it iz not very potent, but it gives a good high, if I do say so myself. 

Scout: *wtf* What? You just...drug up with your own medigun? 

Medic: I do! *Aims the gun at Scout's face* Care to try? 

You look at the haze flowing out, and decide to inhale it directly. If Medic heals you all the time with this junk, then it can't be too bad, right? It's pretty much in your system by now; plus, you felt challenged by the Medic. He's not hardcore. You just know it. 

Scout: *Inhales* ... 

Medic: *Follows and inhales- but much more profusely and with vigor* Vell? 

Scout: *laughing* This shit ain't nothin'! You're outta your mind Doc! 

Medic: *rolls his pretty blue eyes* Vell it vas not supposed to be strong, dummkopf. 

The administrator announces that the fight will begin soon. The kritzkrieg actually did help in removing your headaches, so you take a few more whiffs. Medic follows, except he took much larger quantities (again). After that, Medic straps on the healing device and the two of you are on your way to the spawn gates. 

As Medic joyfully moves to his place (right beside his equally happy Heavy), you move to your locker and grab your weapons. As you prepare, you begin to blink multiple times to get the dark blotches of color out of your vision. It sorta goes away, so you stride over to the Medic, who is providing overheals. 

Scout: Hey Doc', I'm gettin' kinda woozy, can you bum me a whiff again. 

Medic: *Looks nervously to his big, strong, acute, and handsome Russian boyfriend that gave a suspicious look.* Ah, I do not follow. 

Scout: Bro let me get some Kritz 

Medic: I am going to ignore you. Here. *Give Scout overheals* Just don't exert your mind too much. 

Medic: *Leans in to Scout's ear* Do not fight zhe Kritz. Accept vhat happens. 

Scout: What. 

Medic: I'm sorry. 

You want to ask more, but the match begins. Medic sprints off, and you watch as your teammates dart past you. You feel someone slap your ass, which actually kinda hurt; but that's beside the point. Shaking your head, you run off, easily speeding past others and taking your scattergun out. You notice you're sweating a lot. Your body feels cold and itchy all over the place, and the blotches return, almost clouding your entire vision. You shake your head; what the hell is going on? One minute, you're suffering from a hangover, the next you feel light headed and ready to pass out. Was the Kritzkrieg that strong? Medic took a bigger dose then you, but he seems fine. 

You stop running and lean against the wall. You're seriously about to pass out, and a stagnant Scout is a dead Scout. You gotta keep moving. So you push yourself off and run like hell. Your team is pushing, crossing the bridge and entering the BLU base. You know Teufort like the back of Miss Paulings head, yet you keep colliding with miscellaneous objects. 

Scout: Aw jeez, I'm gonna freakin' crash at this rate... 

You try your best to get the damn blotches away, and soon the echoed voice of the Medic kicks in. He said not to fight it, but going to sleep doesn't sound like a good idea. You quickly back peddle from BLU's entrance, and squabble back to your base. Sniper was scoped, and watched you run back and was all like _'wtf'_ but he didn't care cause Sniper is trying to put on an aloof, anti-social image (but sometimes he wants to break from it and just talk about his feelings). 

Scout runs into respawn and sits on the bench. What the HELL was in that Kritzkrieg? The dark blotches have become rainbow colored, and a sharp ringing in your ears grew louder. To your dismay, you begin to hear a slow, eerie drawl of carnaval music. Distanced screaming becomes heard, and you think that cockroach on the ground is speaking mandarin to you. You look up and 2 little girls wearing matching dresses stare back at you. Oh God what the living fuck is this... 

Scout: Fucking Medic... 

You close your eyes tight, and after counting to 10, you open your eyes. You are sitting on the bench...while floating in the sky, with clouds and shit passing by. Giant, winged centipedes are flying at you. You notice little glassed porcelain babies falling from the sky, all calling out your name. From far away, you see your mom and the Spy ballroom dancing, and then your mom tells Spy she's pregnant. And Spy just stares for a moment before going invisible, leaving your mom in a crying mess. 

And then you're screaming. Or you assume you are. From the looks of it, a voice you recognize is calling from behind, and you can kinda feel someone shaking you. Trying to hone in on that, you see...Sniper! 

Sniper: *shaking Scout frantically* Oi! Jeremy! 

Scout: *sits up to backhand Sniper* DONTSPOILTHECOMIC!!! 

Sniper: *gets pissed cause he was just trying to help, and now his face has your knuckle inprints* The comic came out weeks ago! Snap out of it! 

Scout: *eyes going into skull like some exorcist shit bout to go down* GET THE MEDIC. FUCK. GET THE FUCKIN BWSSH-MEDIC-K! PLEASE. MEDIC. GET THAT BITCH!!! 

Time and space have collided. Fallen angels are melting into skeletons and being dragged into hell. That cosplay you've worked on for months is doused in gasoline and burned to a crisp. You keep seeing recollections of your past. You also see your future. And finally, you see yourself. You're in a white room. Your copy is sitting next to you, just staring ahead. He has a downcast look, fingers entwining and seeming lost in thought. You realize your copy has empty sockets, creating an endless, dark void to an already dead appearance. 

Scout 2: *Still staring ahead* sometimes I wish we were confident in our sexuality. 

Scout: God kill me. 

God is a really cool guy so he doesn't kill you. Instead, you now feel someone punching your stomach. Really hard. Another punch to the face. Then your shoulder. Then your hat (you feel like crying- what kind of monster punches a hat). Someone slaps your ass again; it was on the same butt cheek and the sting comes back full force. Someone asked why slapping your ass was necessary. For some reason, you think your secret admirer just shrugged, just so that you're in suspense about who's slappin' your bum. Okay seriously, you're gonna curb stomp this guy if he slaps your ass again. 

You finally snap out of your super weird trip. The more your were punched, the more clear you felt (while also feeling like you're about to be knocked out). 

Medic: *He's the one sitting on Scout's chest, just straight up goin' gangsta and throwin' knuckle sandwiches as if he was a dog-fighting breed.* 

Medic: ZE POWAH OF GOD'S WILL CANNOT BEND ZHE FEATHER. *punches Scout again.* 

Scout: *Finally awake, and spitting blood* Doc why. 

Medic: Oh Scout, you are avake! Zis vas zhe only vay to get you out of your trip! 

Scout: Beatin' me up? 

Medic: Oh no, I just had to plug your nostrils. 

Scout: So why are you hitting me. 

Medic: Because I can. 

Scout: *sits up* Doc, what the fuck did you do to me. 

Medic: Vat? Nothing. I gave you vhat you inhaled. 

Scout: Medic, that was an absolute HELL. How the duck are you okay? (That was not a misspelling. We switched fuck with duck). 

Medic: Oh I snort mein Kritzkrieg all ze time. 

You look around and you suddenly realize the entire team is surrounding you, giving you confused faces. Sniper was the second-closest to you; appearantly he ignored you at first, but then heard horrendous screaming, so he went to the spawn room. You were bashing your head on the floor, and Sniper decided to be nice- just this once- and did as you asked; calling for Medic. Medic also ingnored Sniper, cause no one honestly gives a fuck about Sniper. That is until Medic realized that was a pretty mean statement, so he went back so that he didn't feel guilty. 

One by one, each merc went into the spawn room to watch you spazz out and act insane. This went on for an hour. Eventually, you were detained and pinned to the ground, but before cutting off your oxygen, everyone took picture's of you and posed your body in funny positions. RED lost that day, but it was worth it. Hell, even some BLU mercs noticed their enemies were gone, so BLU Spy entered and found RED in spawn. He retreated to laugh about what was happening. BLU team cracked up at your misery too, and everyone just had a good fucking laugh that day. 

Scout: *Once the day was over* Hey Doc. 

Medic: Yes Scout. 

Scout: So you said you just snort that fucking crazy ass Kritz a lot right. 

Medic: Ja. 

Scout: So like..how do you take it? Cause I saw you take a fucking huge snort of it. 

Medic: Vat a stupid question. I already told you. *Turns to the camera, and stares at reader* 

Medic: I smoke Kritz everyday. 

Medic: *puts sunglasses over his regular glasses and gives middle finger.*


	2. Vita-saw Ver.2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okey

The camera is aimed at the Heavy Weapons Guy. It was a long day of turning little baby men into red, swiss-cheese with Sascha. The thrill of battle and revving his minigun towards enemies was fun, but it was exhausting. The Slav was now free of blood, grim, and sweat, having taken a warm shower and slipping into clean clothes. A dull ache in his arms from lugging his weapon, but otherwise comfortable and even jittery. There was small, joyful leap in his stride. As much as he tried to stay composed, Heavy failed to hide the grin that slipped by, or the twinkle in his eyes. 

Why was he so happy? Well, he was on his way to see his Doctor. Ah~ Just the thought of his precious little healing man made butterflies swarm in his stomach. Or bees. He was also incredibly hungry and hoped Medic can cook him something. That might explain the sounds coming from his stomach. 

But don't let his appetite fool you! He's super duper, 100% happy to go see his Medic. Contrary to the image of a bloodthirsty tank of a man that Heavy _tried_ to be (and succeeded), he was quite the romantic at heart. And being with Medic meant he can express that love to his baboon-heart's content. Already, the Heavy was picturing the scene. He'd walk into the Medic's lab, see his handsome Doctor leaning seductively over the operating table, licking the blood of his patient off his bare hand. The patient was uncomfortable beneath him, but it didn't stop the German from sitting on the edge of the table to pose like a pin-up model. Heavy might say that licking other people's blood seems unhygienic, and Medic would agree; but he forced himself to do so anyways in order to make the fantasy more sexy. Heavy wouldn't understand how fantasy-Medic would know that this was a made up scenario. When did his fantasies become self aware and able to grasp the meta? Heavy shrugged and let it slide, grabbing the Doctor to dip him into a kiss. 

The fantasy patient would scream that medic _please_ stitch him back up, but would be ignored cause the Doctor was busy locking lips. The patient would then die, leaving his wife of 10 years a widow and his 2 children fatherless. There would be no funeral. Heavy felt guilty until Medic asks if he wants to cuddle on the sofa by the fireplace, making Heavy forget the other man. 

The bizarre fantasy ended, and a beaming, giddy Heavy opens the door to the Medic's lab. 

Heavy: Doktor? 

There was silence. Not even the dove's were cooing. It irked Heavy. 

Heavy: Where are you lapochka? 

Medic: Oh Heavy! Come in! *calls from around the corner, behind curtains* 

Heavy: *looks confused* Already inside Doktor... 

Medic: *laughs* Then zat was pointless. 

Heavy looked concerned. He slowly walked towards the curtains. He extends a trembling hand. Suddenly it occurs to him that it was Friday. Friday meant his lover would be...on a different plane. 

Heavy: Can Heavy enter? 

Medic: Sure! You know you are alvays allowed to enter! 

Heavy pushes the curtains and sighed in relief. The Medic was simply mixing some chemicals from his beakers. A discarded, pointy object was beside him. But it didn't look like anything was out of the ordinary. His lover seemed to be doing his usual experiments. 

That is until Heavy realized that from an angle, all Medic wore was his lab coat. _Just the lab coat_

Heavy: Doktor why are naked. 

Medic: *spins his chair towards Heavy. He indeed only wore a lab coat* I'm not naked *tugs at coat* I have zis. 

Heavy. But where is pants and shirt? 

Medic: *holds up the beakers* Oh, zis concoction keeps melting zhe fabric. Why waste a good vest, right? 

Heavy: *Prayed that Medic wouldn't inject himself with that* 

Medic: *Trolls Heavy and puts the chemicals into a single, little flask, and attaches it to the contraption beside him* Ah, there we go. 

Heavy: *Realizes it's a giant needle* Doktor 

Medic: *holds needle up to his wrist* Yes? 

Heavy: Doktor please no. 

Medic: No? 

Heavy: Don't like when you do this... 

Medic: Oh mein Heavy, it's alright! You know I am hardcore! 

Before Heavy can say anything else, Medic injects himself brutally with the needle. He forced it in so hard that the needle came out of the other side of his wrist. Heavy nearly fainted- not because of the gruesome scene, but because it was _his Medic_ purposefully doing this. He worried for his Doctor. 

Heavy: Doktor, needle go through hand. 

Medic: Ahaha, yes I am very strong *casually flexes towards his Kuschelbär* 

Heavy: Do you want me to...take you to Doctor? 

Medic: *Laughs condescendingly* Vat? Zat's dumb. I already AM a Doctor. *Lifts injured hand and reaches weakly to pinch Heavy's cheek* 

Heavy: *Slaps hand away* Is not funny! Heavy thought we go to picnic and play! 

Medic: *Already getting high af* But you know- _Oh there goes ze ceiling..._ \- zat I knock ze fuck up on Friday's! 

Heavy: I know you like getting high like little bird! But maybe you calm down? What is Heavy suppose to do while you hallucinate? 

Medic: Honestly? Do what you want to me. Und yes zis can be interpreted sexually. 

Heavy: Doktor please don't go crazy. 

Medic: Did you not see me inject meinself vit zhe vitasaw? 

Heavy: The what? 

Medic: Just a new toy! *looks down at bleeding wrist* Ach! I missed zhe wrong vein! *Injects himself in the neck* 

Heavy: *trying not to cry* 

Medic: *whispers and leans over* Do you know vat iz happening? 

Heavy: Doctor pls.... 

Medic: I am feeling zHE SCHADENFREUDE!!! 

Medic falls over on Heavy, who catches him before hitting the floor. Medic is speaking an odd language; neither English or German. There was gagging noises, and Heavy thought the Medic was choking. He realized the vita-saw was _still_ inside the Medic's neck. Heavy cringed, laid Medic on the floor, and had no choice but to pull out the giant needle himself. He does this, as slowly and gently as he could. The needle was removed, but Medic was bleeding profusely. 

Heavy: Doctor! You are bleeding! 

Medic: Sssshhh.... 

Medic tries to lean up from the tiled floor, but fails. Heavy holds him upright. Medic's eyes are open wide, lips moving but no words coming out. He's trying to figure out what to say. 

Heavy: Please say something Doctor. 

Medic: *whispers* It's okay... 

Heavy: What? 

Heavy notices the heal regeneration working its magic, and closing the gapped hole. Medic stopped bleeding and began to cackle in a high pitched voice. 

Medic: *leans in again* _You know I am a bird God...._

Medic stretches his arms out and laughs. 

Medic: _Ohhhh I'm going to kill every single one of you, aha~_

Heavy: ? 

Medic: _All of you stupid dummkopf's...especially you Soldier...._

Heavy: *Freaking out silently. Medic wants to kill the entire team.* 

Medic: *Still talking to himself* Oh except you Heavy. I want to marry you und have a happy cottage house near a lake vith puppies... 

Heavy: *Blushes like an anime school girl* Oh Doktor, you care! 

Medic: Und eat zhe puppies 

Heavy: Oh 

Medic: Und vatch zhe lake turn into a pool of blood 

Heavy: Doktor 

Medic: Und listen to the screams of zhe dying angel virgins. 

Heavy: Doktor no... 

Medic: *Eyes rolling back* Slit zhe Devil's neck und drown zhe heavens vith rains of acid... 

Heavy: Please no... 

Medic: *voice gets deep. Foam is coming out of his mouth* Become zhe new ruler of the vast, unpropitious ruins of zhe red underworld. Gouging eyes vith mein spears made of zhe bones of my servants. Ripping tongues off und roasting still-beating heart's over a black fire... 

Heavy: Doktor... 

Medic: Und you vill be my princess! 

Heavy: *Makes a kawaii face* Oh Doktor! You do care! 

Medic: Of course I do! *Gets on Heavy's lap* I am your prince charming! My sword is stained vith the blood of all zhe men I killed to win you over! 

Heavy: Heavy will forget you say that. 

Heavy couldn't resist giving his Doctor a big bear-hug. He can hear Medic release a strained grunt from the rib-crushing hug, but Heavy could care less. He loved this Doctor. He was too cute and Heavy could not resist squishing the smaller man. He finally release the man, and found Medic to be bleeding profusely from his eyes. 

Medic: I see ketchup. 

Heavy: Zat is blood, lyubov moya. 

Medic: Ahh... _lick it off me_

Heavy: Doktor 

Medic: Or not, I was just kidding. 

Heavy: Ah. 

Medic: Unless you want to. 

Heavy: No thanks. 

Medic: It would be erotic. 

Heavy: Heavy feel deja vu... 

Medic: Vas it zhe fantasy? 

Heavy was super freaked out now. Fantasy Medic also had a strange blood kink! Could this mean... 

Heavy: *whispers* _Can you read my mind Doktor? Is love so strong zat we know what other is thinking?_

Medic: Oh... 

Medic randomly leaps up (accidentally slamming his foot on Heavy's crotch). He sways as he makes his way to the open curtain. 

Medic: *angrily* I knew it. 

After having to caress his nutsack and hold back the urge to vomit, Heavy looked up. Medic kneeled under the table, and grabbed a pair of boots, which were connected to legs...connected to a torso...connected to a _oh he has a corpse under the desk he was working on_. 

Medic: *Pulls up another Medic* WHO WAS ZHIS WHORE IN YOUR FANTASY EARLIER? 

Heavy gasped. It was the fantasy Medic from earlier! How did he come to the real world? And more importantly, how did Medic kill him? 

Heavy: Doktor! You kill yourself! 

Medic: DON'T LIIIE TO ME! *Drops the body* ZHIS MAN LOOKS LIKE SOME SUßIGKEITEN PROSTITUTE. LOOK! *Rips the vest off the Fantasy Medic, bottons flying everywhere. Fantasy Medic had a corset underneath his normal clothes. Heavy suddenly realized why the fantasy patient looked _very_ uncomfortable with fantasy Medic above him.* 

Heavy: Doctor, why would you do this? 

Medic: How do you think I FEEL!? Knowing you day dream of attractive men in corsets! Gott! Give me a reason why I shouldn't rip out mein intestines und CHOKE YOU. *pulls out his bonesaw from who the fuck knows* 

Heavy: No Doktor! That is you! I daydream of you! 

Medic: It is!? 

Heavy: Of course! I love you Doktor. I think about you! 

Medic: ...Ooh Heavy! *throws bonesaw over his shoulder* You big, dirty man!  <3 

Heavy did not know why there was a 'less then 3' sign at the end of Medic's sentence, but oh how happy he was to see his Doctor happy! Turns out, his lover taking unknown chemical injections brought their relationship together. 

Medic: Und here I thought you were cheating on me! Hohoho! I can't be ZAT handsome to you, am I? 

Heavy: Of course you are! You are beautiful. 

Medic: Ah! You flatter me! Actually...*Gets down and strips the fantasy slutty Medic's clothes off* I vant to try zis on! 

Heavy: You will!? *No he does not have a boner* 

Medic: Sure! Besides, I won't remember anything in zhe next 15 minutes after zhe seizures! 

Heavy was _very_ excited to see his Doctor dress in a scantily clad corset. He had seen the burly beast and knew from that day that he had to see those firm bara titties barely covered by the corset. But as joyful as he was, Heavy suddenly realized that there was a Scout corpse ALSO underneath Medic's desk. He should probably tell Medic to hide dead bodies somewhere less obvious. 

Heavy: Doktor, is that Scout? Right behind you? 

Medic: *Pauses from stripping his own dead copy to acknowledge the dead Scout hidden under his chair* Yes. 

Heavy: Why? 

Medic: Ach! Ever since zhe time he had an epiphany from snorting mein kritzkrieg, he has been coming here every day trying to learn zhe vay of dankrupt! So I decided to let him try mein Vita-saw today.... his organs melted und he died from drowning in his bodily fluids. 

Heavy: Sounds bad. 

Medic: Oh yes, it was gruesome. I thought it was a little funny though. I'm just worried zat Spy will learn his son is a drug addict now. 

As if by God's will himself, the cardboard box in the corner of the room flew into the air. Spy popped out from it, looking _pissed the fuck OFF_. He was briefly distracted by Medic, wondering why he was naked (with the exception of the lab coat). It was even more odd to see him stripping a dead copy of himself. 

Spy: You imbecile! How dare you ruin mon fils innocence! 

Medic: Vhy are you so upset? You weren't even there for him growing up. 

Spy: *Hit by an emotional crit and just stands there.* 

Medic: Spy, me und Heavy are going to have an _fachen_ fest. Unless you vant to be ein pervert, I suggest you leave before the seizure. 

Spy: *Still standing in place, but secretly wants to watch because he finds the idea of Heavy having sex incredibly frightening. But because he is curious and a pervert, he wants to watch. Since there is a Medic corpse, Spy is secretly wondering if vore will be involved as well. He's read some fanfiction and was disgusted, but again, his French blood forced him to be intrigued at the thought. This time of self awarness made Spy wonder about his sexuality. A frog wearing a black hoodie whispered in his ear to join the Heavy and Medic in whatever they were doing. Spy tried his best to ignore the frog, and remembered that he had a collection of fancy watches to keep him sane. And a wife. Except she divorced him. And never let him see the boys. Although they have radical sex every now and then when he visits Boston on Christmas. He just learned his son is a drug addict, he's going through some stuff right now*. 

Spy: No. 

Medic: Suit yourself, you voyeuristic swine. 

Medic finally had the fantasy Medic stripped. Before he could take his own clothes, time ran out and he had a seizure. His internal organs also melted in an instant, and Medic met the same fate as that stupid fucking Scout. Medic died right there, along with Heavy's boner that day, and Spy's integrity. Spy then spycrabbed off, only to fall down a flight of stairs, and get a jar of piss thrown at him. Heavy then realized that he still hadn't eaten. He looked at the two Medic corpses on the floor, let a dark thought pass his mind, and quickly left before he did something regrettable. 

But before Heavy left altogether, he checked the Medic's fridge. A neatly made sandvich with a tiny note that said "Kuschelbär ♡" laid in the center of the fridge. 

Heavy gasped and took the sandvich. _His Doktor is too perfect!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “lapochka” (sweetie pie)


	3. four_twenny boi

Medic smoked weed, had great sex with Heavy, ate twinkies, and killed a goat as sacrifice to the dark lords. He soon became Omnipotent. 

And he's hopeful you'll do the same thing on this national holiday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Spy read vore all day.

**Author's Note:**

> So me and my good friend CorporalFire were chatting one night and then I thought "Bruh i bet medic takes really hardcore drugs" and CF is like "lol def" and then we talked about stupid shit and came up with Druggie Medic after making up really weird scenarios.  
> Idk if chapters will be this long, but this is basically a straight up crack fic, so if you feel like giving up on humanity, this is for you.
> 
> Also, not every chapter will be in this first person style. And it won't be revolved around Scout.  
> It will, however, be written in the script style (cause I just think it's funny) so yeah, not all chapters will be the same, consider it just an intro or something.  
> But yeah, this is fic is just meant to be funny, so don't expect anything to be taken seriously.


End file.
